Uncustomary Hiccups

So I'm at another day of work. Waaa hoo. Let me break out my party package and get down. or not. But you know the really scary thing is that I almost seem to enjoy the blankness. Nothing really demands on me. I just come and play with excel sheets and don't really get bothered by anyone, read the news, play music all day etc....It really scares me how much I could just slip into it cause it's comfortable and it doesn't challenge me. I think that feeling always pushes me. The feeling that I'm getting really comfy and could keep this way for awhile, pushes me to change so that I don't become like that. oh dear.

So I started off the day's mix of music with Immortal Technique. HAHAHA....it gave me chills. It's really interesting music and if Stephen reads this mabye he could post some links to it ;) hint hint ;) It gave me chills just listening to it at work. And since the work doesn't take any brain power I can listen to all his words and what he's saying. But its phunny....he's so opinionated. I guess I am too on things too, but I wonder sometimes how right am I? When he sings, raps, whatever, it seems so definate, like there is only one way, and I know that I approach life like that a lot, but at the same ti, I try and remember that it's not only one way. How do you know that way is "right" or the way it's suppose to be.

It makes me think of a conversation I had with Beth back in...soph year about how you can want to go out there and change things. She asked me something that has always stuck with me. She asked me how I could be so self righteous as to say that there is a way that it should be and try and change it to that ideal. And she's right, in a way. But at the sametime, if we don't then we won't have change, is the way we are doing it right too? sigh...so many questions

I think I think.....I think I'm incapable of loving someone. it might have to do with the fact that I don't really think "Love" really exists. or maybe...I've been feeling a little emotionalless...does that make sense? I was listening to this NPR show that was talk about testosaron(which is another word that I can't spell). And they were talking to a woman injects it into her and then they talked to a guy who's body stop producing it for awhile. And that was really interesting....he was like, It was almost I think something of maybe what god feels. He looks at everything and is like "That is so beautiful" But it's really passive and there's no emotional rush or happiness or anything...just....and I kind of feel that way...just emotionalless and nothing pushes me to either side of the table. don't know.

I've been in a weird mood lately....forgive me