Uncustomary Hiccups

Deranged extreme.

12.26.2005

11:59 time 

So as I sit here...on the day of xmas and wonder....its such a strange day for my family. We don't have any beliefs but we just use the religious holiday as an excuse to get a huge gathering together. There are least I want to say...7 or 8 families in the house, including mine. They all bring the food, starting around 4 and they still haven't left yet. I use to know every kid that came to the house, they were kids that you grew up with, but now a days, I'm not sure who's kid is who's. they come walking through our house and I'm not even sure if they are attached to anyone. So this year, we watched lots of movies, kung fu hustle, shaolin soccer, saving face, polar express, etc etc especially since, all the little kids had forgetten to bring their own xbox 360's or whatever console is popular right now. Instead, by the end of the evening they had settled for our old N64, yes....N64 *gasp* how can they still exist. Blah you, I like my mario. But currently they are playing star fox. A game is a game is a game. And that's all I have to say ;D And we of course ended up breaking out the Majiong game for about 4 - 5 hours, I feel like I'm getting worse but its still so much phun to use my brain.

It's nice being home. I miss the peace, my big bed, and my family. The fact that I can't walk on any of the wood floor without slipping, no matter if I'm wearing socks or not since my aunt doesn't have anything to do now that she's done with classes, so she bakes, cooks fantastic things and cleans everything, including the floor which really isn't meant to be since....well we were planning on ice skating on it right? Or the fact that my mother still buys me such girly fashionable clothing....that it sometimes puzzles me since well...I don't wear those types of clothing....I think she's hoping that I will be the girly girl that she never was...maybe the next generation. My cousin, is still my cousin. ANd my brother still puts everything to the last moment, namely presents. First we had to wake him up, then we had to sit around waiting for him to wrap last minute presents, and the night before he had to order my mom's present online. Ahhh child, get off the computer and remember to do things.

My dad has restarted his love affair with the fish tank, except this time he's going salt water. The freshwater fish did not take well to the well water, hopefully this will last longer. And he waited until michael and I were home so we could go pick up two nemos.....and rent the movie to watch. Ahhhh my dad's so corny....both of my parents are, that's probably where I get it from. But we were in Petco getting my dad a gift certificate when I was like....I haven't seen April yet (my cat) and my mom stops dead and is like, stephanie, I'm sorry I didn't know how to tell you but April died on the 12th of december. And I didn't want to tell you during finals and distract you. ANd I was like....and instead you told me in the middle of Petco. It's really hard, April has been with us since 1994, which means she's almost 12 years old. And she's been through so much, growing up, knots in her hair, moving, being ignored, kicked by the male members of the family, shaved, gross stuff growing in her ears, declawed....man the list goes on. And it probably all shapped her personality into what it was. Didn't like little kids chasing her, sometimes changed her mind about affection, became the "watch dog" of the famliy, since the family dog, Goldie failed miserably at it. hated Goldie, loved sneaking out of the house and into the woods for some random trecks, had a really weird meow. And I'm going to miss her, cause she loved the fireplace, and when she was sweet....she was sweet, she liked sleeping on my bed, but could never settle very well unless it was on my body and she pressed against me at least 50 times, she liked to pretend she was a real cat but picking up the dead mice in the mouse traps in the basement and give them to us, or chase insects around, but not kill them. And she really was a memeber of the family.

My dad buried her in the back, and I wish there was more to mark her passing, and more for her to leave behind. It just makes me sad. I'll get a picture of her up once I find one that I like. At least I have a few of those.

I'll get working on china trip soon and pictures. Until then I'm off.
Posted by Steviek @ 02:56 | Link

12.18.2005

Can you ever lose it all? 

Pride
------
Like the water slipping through your hands.
Never calm, never settled, never perfect, and always overflowing
I want to be held by you, protected by you, even as I slip away, down your arms, sliding across your skin,
And I hope you won't throw me away, even though I am, never calm, never settled, never perfect, and always overflowing,
Even when your irritation crashes over you like a diving wave,
Even when you can't get rid of the wetness, the dampness, the creases in my little pond.
Please don't toss me away,
because even though I am never calm, never settled, never perfect, and always overflowing,
I try, I try so hard to be calm, settle, perfect and not overflow from you hands,
I try, I try so hard to still my waters, leave no marks, and erase all the dark smudges that I always seem to leave behind no matter how hard I try,
I try, I try so hard to reflect back what you want to see, just so you won't throw me away.
I know I'm not what you want, what you hoped for, what you even planned for,
but don't throw me away, don't throw away my calm, my settleness, my perfection, or all those things that I lack.
Don't throw me away.

Reliance
------
I lied when I said I could stand alone.
I lied when I opened my mouth.
I lied when I smiled for you.
And I lied when I tilted my eyes.

I lied because it's easier then telling the truth.
I lied because I never want to reveal my weakness.
I lied because I have my pride.
And I lied because I want to pretend, in some dark corner of my mind, that I can stand alone.

And I will.
I will stand alone.
I will pretend, move on, not look back, and find my own way.
I will because there is nothing left except me.


------
Ok honestly. I was at this party this weekend and my friends where there, about 7 and 3 of them have significant others, and that's fine, but they brought them. And as I was sitting there trying ti figure out a stupid topic to speak about that everyone would want to talk about....I realized....why people find significant others. So that when they are at a party or a meeting or a place they never have to be alone, they never have to look uncomfertable. They always have some to turn to, talk to, laugh with. And as I was sitting there, my next thought was...maybe I should get one, you know like...something you pick up at the store. "Um yes, do you happen to have any blue significant others? my green one ran out." Oh yes I could see it now. Ug. So at that point I was like...either I could pine and find one or I could move on. I choose to move on. I will now state that I will never find a significant other, at the store or any where else just for the reason of having one. However, I can very much see the reason why it does occur the way it does. Oh the pressures.
Posted by Steviek @ 22:48 | Link

12.12.2005

Show me your Care 

I couldn't think of any hot or good title for this post. The other one that I could think of was "Love" and I thought that was just too lame for words so I will now stop typing about the title.

I've been going up and down lately, trying to supress my emotions...or deal with them responsibly without them coming out and attacking people unexpectedly. It's hard, I'm a very emotional person and its like this flood that sweeps me away. But sometimes I just need to release...so I feel better...I just need an outlet to let it all out...and sometimes its yelling..sometimes its crying...and sometimes its just hitting my pillow on something inatimate lots and lots of time...and sometimes it a bit of all of the above.

And I haven't talked to my bro in weeks, even though he's like a 10 min bus ride from my place. We are both very busy and its hard sometimes to settle and just hang out cause he's so stressed and I'm so stressed....and we are really busy. But anyways....My family...they may drive me insane, piss me off, but I know that if I ever needed anything or had a need, they would be there. They are so comforting to me when I'm uncertain about things or about what other people feel about me because they are the only ones that I'm sure of....I'm totally sure of their care and love. That's never a question for me. And I know that I am extremely lucky in that aspect that....I'm confident in their care.

There are some people that I know they care about me...those that are closer...but even then....I'm not as sure as my family. And to be honest...I don't think I could expect anyone other than my family to do so.....

So kudos to my family and seeing them soon. We may not talk a lot but I know that they will always express their love to me in any way they can, because they care, because they love me....that's never a question.

-------
As I walked down the street, passed down the aisles, sat in the classroom, and ate lunch at a counter, I felt your thoughts pass mine,
As you passed me on the plateform to work, went to buy a get well card, sat on a bench in the park, and called your mom on your phone,
I felt your thoughts, your feelings and for just a moment
For just a moment I felt your rage, your passion, your pain, you love, you haterd, your heart, and your calm,
I heard all of it as it whirled within you, outside you, wrapped you in its contents, squeeze you tight, soothed your soul, whip around you in the air, and snap out to attach itself on me,
As it sucked me in, made me join the whirl, the wave, and crash and then slowly receed away as we walked further and further apart as the line stretch thin...tighter...and then snapped.
I felt everything when I brushed you on the sidewalk.
Posted by Steviek @ 22:19 | Link
invisible