Uncustomary Hiccups

Light or Dark,
Heat or Cold,
Icy...

Will I be able to be all the things that I want to be or the things that you need me to be, at the sametime, at the same place, within the same hour.
Will you leave me if I'm not. Will you hold me even as a I fade from your expectations and will you seek me when you need comfort.
And even as I'm selfish, want for myself, hold to myself and only to myself. Will my heart be big enough for you, and yours, and those of theirs, and maybe just some of mine?
It won't will it. I can't expect, accept, hate, deny, want, or push away the things that I want to be when I want to be and where I want to be. Can you deny them for me? Can you deny me for me?
And even as I say I should will I should? or will I not or will I do or will the avalanch that carried me to this point die or can I jump off or can I just throw it all god damn away?
What I want? What do I want? And why can't I leave that questions behind and focus on what you want, what you care, what you fight, and what you hide.
Why can't I forget myself sometimes, fade into the mist, become a part of the whiteboard and leave no smears on your windshield of a car. Why can't I disappear into the wind, rustle in the trees and be nothing more than a thought, because thoughts are all that are intangible and not real because thoughts are not really whats important. Ideals are not what's important, its what you hold, see, breath, take, touch, kiss, crush, and kill that's important. Leave me behind. Because that's all I am...behind. Leave me behind.

So hi. I haven't posted in so long and I'm sorry, life's been moving and I'm trying to slow it down...if not stop it.

So lately....I've been having dreams when I'm sleeping but its really hard to remember what happened. Usually I can remember it all. But hmmm...I don't know its really interesting. They are ususally about people I deal with everyday in my life. But I will wake up and be like, oh I didn't have a dream last night. But then I'll be going through my day and I'll be like thinking and say "oh yeah that happened" in real life. And then I'll realized that it didn't actually happen....it was a really explicit scene from my dream.

Like last night I had this weird Haze that we were on this whole like trip/class/competition where you have to go to in a class/room and do something to pass the level, but the group behind us kept crowding us and trying to get in to our level. A lot of UAAO folks were there and marcia was there and she was like just skip out and come to detroit to hang with me over the weekend. And I was like...ok...and this guy in my section, George gave me a ride...it was weird.

So I just found out there was an earthquake in S. Asia. My heart hurts, the issues and the problems are just numerous. Ahhh...I hope the news coverage is better this time...instead of helpless white tourists....and the aid....hopefully will be better. Ok world here I come.